TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on human resources management. Write a post responding to the professor's question.

1. 子项得分

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0 Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. 预估分数

Estimated Score: 27

3. 任务完成度

这篇文章在回答问题方面做得很好，提出了一个明确的观点，并通过具体的例子和解释来支持这个观点。然而，文章可以在以下几个方面进行改进：首先，在引入话题时可以更加明确地表达自己的观点，以便让读者一开始就了解作者的立场；其次，可以尝试使用更多的例子和细节来支持观点，使论证更加有说服力。

示例1：在引入话题时，可以这样表达：“我同意Claire的看法，认为公司应该建立培训项目来留住员工。”

示例2：在论证过程中，可以添加更多具体细节：“例如，公司可以提供技能培训课程、管理培训项目等各种形式的教育机会。”

4. 文章结构与组织

文章整体结构清晰，包括引言、正文和结论。每段落都集中于一个特定的观点，并提供了支持细节。然而，在段落之间增加过渡性词语或短语可以使文章更加流畅。此外，可以尝试在结论部分对观点进行总结，以便让读者更好地理解作者的立场。

建议1：在段落之间添加过渡性词语或短语，如“此外”、“然而”等。

建议2：在结论部分进行观点总结，例如：“综上所述，提供培训项目是公司留住员工的最佳方法之一。”

5. 语法批改

From my perspective, I believe ClarieClaire(misspelling)'s statement that it is beneficial for companies to establish training programs. While it is true that providing a suitable working environment enables people to get a sense of belonging, the benefit of providing training programs outweighs this idea. Some peoplepeople,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) especially poverty-stricken people do not have opportunities to get a lesson to improve their working skills and knowledge because some of these courses are very expensive that are beyond their economic competencies. Under this situation, if companies build some educative programs, people are more likely to stay in these companies for a long time without moving to others. By taking these training courses, they can be familiar with some stuff in firms like how to communicate with teammates properly and enhance their abilities to deal with different things ranging from writing papers to solving emotional problems effectively. After that, when people do things well in their work, they can get rewards and prizes from their employees, which can without doubt increase individuals’ well-being and satisfaction.

Section Title: 6 Article Revision

In my opinion, the most effective approach for companies to retain their employees is by offering comprehensive training and development programs. While a comfortable and organized workspace is indeed important, as Paul mentioned, I believe that providing opportunities for personal and professional growth holds greater significance. Many individuals, particularly those from underprivileged backgrounds, may not have access to skill-enhancing courses due to financial constraints. In such cases, if companies invest in educational programs tailored to their employees' needs, it is more likely that these individuals will remain loyal to the organization.

By participating in these training courses, employees can acquire valuable knowledge and skills relevant to their roles within the company. This includes effective communication with colleagues, honing problem-solving abilities in various aspects of work (from technical tasks to interpersonal conflicts), and overall improvement in job performance. As a result of their enhanced capabilities, employees are more likely to receive recognition and rewards from their employers, which undoubtedly contributes to increased job satisfaction and well-being. Consequently, investing in employee development not only benefits the individual but also strengthens the organization as a whole. (188 words)

From In my perspective, opinion, the most effective approach (revised for clarity) for companies to retain their employees is by offering comprehensive training and development programs. While a comfortable and organized workspace is indeed important, as Paul mentioned (added for coherence), I believe Clarie's statement that providing opportunities for personal and professional growth holds greater significance (revised for better flow). Many individuals, particularly those from underprivileged backgrounds, may not have access to skill-enhancing courses due to financial constraints (revised for clarity). In such cases, if companies invest in educational programs tailored to their employees' needs, it is beneficial for companies to establish more likely that these individuals will remain loyal to the organization (revised for better flow).

By participating in these training programs. While it is true that providing courses, employees can acquire valuable knowledge and skills relevant to their roles within the company (revised for clarity). This includes effective communication with colleagues, honing problem-solving abilities in various aspects of work (from technical tasks to interpersonal conflicts), and overall improvement in job performance (revised for better flow). As a suitable working environment enables people to get a sense result of belonging, the benefit of providing training programs outweighs this idea. Some people especially poverty-stricken people do not have opportunities to get a lesson to improve their working skills and knowledge because some of these courses are very expensive that are beyond their economic competencies. Under this situation, if companies build some educative programs, people their enhanced capabilities, employees are more likely to stay in these companies for receive recognition and rewards from their employers (corrected "employees" to "employers"), which undoubtedly contributes to increased job satisfaction and well-being (revised for better flow). Consequently, investing in employee development not only benefits the individual but also strengthens the organization as a long time without moving to others. By taking these training courses, they can be familiar with some stuff in firms like how to communicate with teammates properly and enhance their abilities to deal with different things ranging from writing papers to solving emotional problems effectively. After that, when people do things well in their work, they can get rewards and prizes from their employees, which can without doubt increase individuals’ well-being and satisfaction.whole (revised for clarity).

8 思维导图

1. Introduction
   - Importance of employee retention
   - Comprehensive training and development programs

2. Personal and Professional Growth
   - Access to skill-enhancing courses
   - Employee loyalty

3. Training Courses Benefits
   - Acquiring valuable knowledge and skills
   - Effective communication, problem-solving abilities, job performance improvement

4. Recognition and Rewards
   - Increased job satisfaction and well-being

5. Organizational Benefits
   - Strengthening the organization as a whole

6. Conclusion
   - The significance of investing in employee development for both individuals and organizations

9 关键词