TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on energy usage. Write a post responding to the professor's question.

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. 预估分数

26. 3 任务完成度

这篇文章在任务完成度方面表现良好，对于问题提出了明确的观点，并且给出了合理的论据。但是，可以在论据方面进行更多的拓展和细化。此外，尝试使用更多的例子来支持你的观点。

示例1： 原文：These effort has significant positive impact on mitigating air pollution and raising people's awareness of environmental protection. 修改：The adoption of cleaner energy sources, such as solar and wind power, has significantly reduced air pollution levels in many countries, leading to improved public health and increased awareness of the importance of environmental protection.

示例2： 原文：Some argues that using traditional energy is more profitable. 修改：While some argue that traditional energy sources like coal and oil are more profitable due to their lower costs, it is important to consider the long-term environmental impacts and potential financial savings from investing in cleaner energy technologies.

4. 文章结构与组织

文章结构方面可以进一步改进。虽然文章包含了引言、主体和结论，但段落之间的过渡不够流畅。建议在段落之间添加过渡句子，使文章更具连贯性。

示例1： 原文：To elaborate, many scientists today are devoted in enhancing the quality of new-clear energy which is highly promoted to be utilized in advanced cars, manufactory industries. 修改：To elaborate, many scientists today are devoted to enhancing the quality of cleaner energy sources, such as solar and wind power. These renewable energy sources are increasingly being utilized in advanced cars and manufacturing industries, demonstrating their potential for widespread adoption.

示例2： 原文：Contrarily, those traditional energy will not only does harm to air-quality but also contribute nothing to a sustainable energy industry since it will run out one day. 修改：In contrast, the continued reliance on traditional energy sources like coal and oil not only harms air quality but also hinders the development of a sustainable energy industry. As these finite resources become depleted, it is crucial to invest in cleaner alternatives for the future.

5. 语法批改

I believe that using cleaner energy is the better choice, since it does less harm to environment and able to provide a sustainable development. To elaborate, many scientists today are devoted into(This rule identifies wrong preposition usage.) enhancing the quality of new-clear energy which is highly promoted to be utilized in advanced cars, manufactorymanufacture(misspelling) industries. These effortThis effort('this' vs. 'these') has significant positive impact on mitigating air pollution and raising people's awareness of environmental protection. Contrarily, those traditional energythis traditional energy('this' vs. 'these') will not only doesdo(Non-infinitive verb after modal verbs) harm to air-quality but also contribute nothing to a sustainable energy industry since it will run out one day. Some argues that using traditional energy is more profitable. However, he doesn't put environment factors into consideration.

Section Title: 6 Article Revision

In my opinion, cleaner energy sources are the superior choice, as they cause less environmental damage and promote sustainable development. Numerous scientists are currently working to improve the efficiency of renewable energy, which is increasingly being utilized in advanced vehicles and manufacturing industries. These efforts have a considerable positive impact on reducing air pollution and raising public awareness of environmental protection. In contrast, traditional energy sources not only harm air quality but also fail to contribute to a sustainable energy industry, as they will eventually be depleted. While some argue that traditional energy is more profitable, they often overlook the importance of considering environmental factors in their assessments. (113 words)

I believe that using In my opinion, cleaner energy is sources are the better choice, since it does superior choice (revised for clarity and natural tone), as they cause less harm to environment environmental damage (revised for clarity) and able to provide a promote sustainable development. To elaborate, many Numerous scientists today are devoted in enhancing currently working to improve the quality efficiency of new-clear renewable energy (revised for clarity and natural tone), which is highly promoted to be increasingly being utilized in advanced cars, manufactory vehicles and manufacturing industries. These effort has significant efforts have a considerable positive impact on mitigating reducing air pollution (revised for clarity) and raising people's public awareness of environmental protection. Contrarily, those In contrast, traditional energy will sources not only does harm to air-quality air quality but also fail to contribute nothing to a sustainable energy industry since it (revised for clarity), as they will run out one day. Some argues eventually be depleted. While some argue that using traditional energy is more profitable. However, he doesn't put environment profitable, they often overlook the importance of considering environmental factors into consideration.in their assessments (revised for clarity and natural tone).

8 思维导图

- Cleaner energy sources
    - Less environmental damage
    - Promote sustainable development

- Renewable energy efficiency
    - Advanced vehicles
    - Manufacturing industries

- Reducing air pollution

- Raising public awareness of environmental protection

- Traditional energy sources
    - Harm air quality
    - Unsustainable energy industry
        - Depletion of resources

- Profitability vs. environmental factors in assessments

9 关键词

Section Title: 6 Article Revision

In my opinion, cleaner energy sources are the superior choice, as they cause less environmental damage and promote sustainable development. Numerous scientists are currently working to improve the efficiency of renewable energy, which is increasingly being utilized in advanced vehicles and manufacturing industries. These efforts have a considerable positive impact on reducing air pollution and raising public awareness of environmental protection. In contrast, traditional energy sources not only harm air quality but also fail to contribute to a sustainable energy industry, as they will eventually be depleted. While some argue that traditional energy is more profitable, they often overlook the importance of considering environmental factors in their assessments.