TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on childhood development. Write a post responding to the professor's question.

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. 预估分数

26. 3 任务完成度

整体来说，你的文章回答了问题，并且观点明确。但是，有一些建议可以帮助你更好地完成任务。首先，在提出观点时，可以考虑提供更多具体的例子和详细信息来支持你的观点。其次，尽量避免使用过于口语化的表达方式，保持一种学术讨论的语气。

改进示例1: 原文：For example, kids meet some strangers at street when they go home alone, and they don’t know how to handle the situation, under which circumstance they can call their parents immediately using their mobile phones. 修改后：For instance, if children encounter strangers on the street while walking home alone, having a mobile phone allows them to promptly contact their parents for guidance on how to handle the situation.

改进示例2: 原文：In that case, children can not only hear their friends’ voice, but also see their smiling faces within seconds, which is really convenient as well as time saving. 修改后：In such situations, children can not only hear their friends' voices but also see their smiling faces within seconds through video calls, providing a convenient and efficient means of communication.

4. 文章结构与组织

从文章结构和组织方面来看，你的文章整体上是清晰的。然而，在写作过程中，可以尝试使用更多的过渡词和短语来使文章更连贯。此外，可以在文章开头部分简要介绍你将要讨论的两个观点，以便读者更好地理解你的论述。

改进示例1: 原文：While I can see Amy’s point that children will be harmed by using mobile phones, I agree with Rory’s perspective that kids can benefit from having a mobile phone. 修改后：While I acknowledge Amy's concern about the potential harm of mobile phones for children, I concur with Rory's view that there are benefits to kids having access to mobile phones, such as improved communication and safety.

改进示例2: 原文：As mentioned by Rory, it is convenient for parents to contact with their children when children have some troubles. 修改后：As Rory pointed out, one advantage of children having mobile phones is the convenience it provides for parents to communicate with their kids in case of emergencies or other issues.

5. 语法批改

While I can see Amy’s point that children will be harmed by using mobile phones, I agree with Rory’s perspective that kids can benefit from having a mobile phone. As mentioned by Rory, it is convenient for parents to contact with their children when children have some troubles. For example, kids meet some strangers at street when they go home alone, and they don’t know how to handle the situation, under which circumstance they can call their parents immediately using their mobile phones; however if kids don’t have cellphones, they might be in dangerous in that case. Apart from what Rory has raised, I would add that cellphones simplifies communication. The only thing kids have to do when they miss their friends or families who are faraway from them, is to give them a video call on face time using their mobile phone. In that case, children can not only hear their friends’ voice, but also see their smiling faces within seconds, which is really convenient as well as time saving. Therefore, having a mobile phone, undoubtedly, are good for kids no matter what ages they are.

Title: 6 Article Revision

While I understand Amy's concern regarding the potential harm mobile phones may cause to children, I concur with Rory's view that there are benefits to kids having access to these devices.

As Rory mentioned, mobile phones provide a convenient means for parents to communicate with their children in case of emergencies or other pressing matters. For instance, if a child encounters a stranger on the street while walking home alone and is unsure how to handle the situation, they can quickly call their parents for guidance using their mobile phone. Without such a device, the child may be at greater risk in such circumstances.

In addition to Rory's points, I would like to emphasize that mobile phones facilitate seamless communication. When children miss friends or family members who live far away, they can easily initiate a video call using their mobile phone. This allows them not only to hear their loved ones' voices but also see their smiling faces within seconds - an undeniably convenient and time-saving feature.

Thus, owning a mobile phone can be advantageous for children of all ages. However, it is crucial for parents and guardians to monitor and guide their usage responsibly in order to mitigate potential risks associated with these devices. (210 words)

Title: 7 Article Revision

While I can see Amy’s point understand Amy's concern (revised for a more natural tone) regarding the potential harm mobile phones may cause to children, I concur with Rory's view that there are benefits to kids having access to these devices (rephrased for clarity and flow).

As Rory mentioned, mobile phones provide a convenient means (simplified for clarity) for parents to communicate with their children will be harmed by using mobile phones, I agree with Rory’s perspective that kids can benefit from having a mobile phone. ¶ As mentioned by Rory, it in case of emergencies or other pressing matters. For instance, if a child encounters a stranger on the street while walking home alone and is convenient for parents to contact with their children when children have some troubles. For example, kids meet some strangers at street when they go home alone, and they don’t know unsure how to handle the situation, under which circumstance they can quickly call their parents immediately for guidance using their mobile phones; however if kids don’t have cellphones, they might phone (rephrased for clarity and flow). Without such a device, the child may be at greater risk in dangerous in that case. ¶ Apart from what Rory has raised, such circumstances (simplified for clarity).

In addition to Rory's points, I would add like to emphasize that cellphones simplifies communication. The only thing kids have to do when they mobile phones facilitate seamless communication (simplified for clarity). When children miss their friends or families family members who are faraway from them, is to give them live far away, they can easily initiate a video call on face time using their mobile phone. In that case, children can phone (rephrased for clarity and flow). This allows them not only to hear their friends’ voice, loved ones' voices but also see their smiling faces within seconds, which seconds - an undeniably convenient and time-saving feature (rephrased for clarity and flow).

Thus, owning a mobile phone can be advantageous for children of all ages (simplified for clarity). However, it is really convenient as well as time saving. ¶ Therefore, having a mobile phone, undoubtedly, are good for kids no matter what ages they are.crucial for parents and guardians to monitor and guide their usage responsibly in order to mitigate potential risks associated with these devices (added emphasis on responsible usage).

8 思维导图

1. Introduction
   - Amy's concern
   - Rory's view

2. Communication in emergencies
   - Example: stranger encounter

3. Seamless communication
   - Video calls with distant friends and family

4. Advantages for all ages

5. Responsible usage and monitoring by parents/guardians

6. Conclusion: potential risks mitigated with guidance

9 关键词