TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Question: Aour professor is teaching a class on business. Write a post responding to the professor's question.

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.5

• Language Use and Grammar: 4

2. 预估分数

• 28

3. 任务完成度

你的文章在完成任务方面做得很好，你明确地表达了自己的观点，并对讨论作出了贡献。然而，为了进一步提高写作水平，你可以尝试更详细地解释你的观点，以及提供更多具体的例子来支持你的论点。

改进示例1: 原文：Shops and entertainment options can give employees more food choices, and help them to release their stress and refresh their minds after a whole day’s work. 修改后：Shops and entertainment options, such as restaurants, movie theaters, and parks, can give employees more food choices, as well as opportunities to relax and socialize with colleagues after a long day at work.

改进示例2: 原文：The location of the company, which near the subway station or bus station, will place commuters as beneficiaries by reducing their time on the road. 修改后：A company located near public transportation hubs like subway stations or bus stops will benefit commuters by significantly reducing their travel time to work.

4. 文章结构与组织

从结构和组织角度来看，你的文章已经相当不错。然而，在未来的写作中，你可以尝试使用更明确的过渡词和短语来帮助读者更好地理解你的观点和论据之间的联系。

改进示例1: 原文：Therefore, a better location, undoubtedly, attracts people. 修改后：In conclusion, a better location with convenient transportation and nearby amenities will undoubtedly attract more potential employees.

改进示例2: 原文：Apart from what Andrew has raised, I add that a good location with convenient transportation will reduce commuters stress on the road. 修改后：In addition to Andrew's point about the importance of nearby shops and entertainment options, I would like to emphasize that a good location with convenient transportation can significantly reduce stress for commuters.

5. 语法批改

While I can see Claire’s point that various of food can make employees enjoy their work, I agree with Andrew’s perspective that location is an essential point when attract potential employees. As mentioned by Andrew, by having shops and entertainment options within walking pace, it will make their break and daily routine more convenient. Shops and entertainment options can give employees more food choices, and help them to release their stress and refresh their minds after a whole day’s work. Apart from what Andrew has raised, I add that a good location with convenient transportation will reduce commuters stress on the road. The location of the company, which near the subway station or bus station, will place commuters as beneficiaries by reducing their time on the road. Therefore, a better location, undoubtedly, attracts people.

Section Title: 6 Article Revision

In response to the professor's question, I concur with Andrew that location plays a pivotal role in attracting potential employees. As Andrew mentioned, having shops and entertainment options within walking distance enhances the convenience of employees' breaks and daily routines. These amenities offer a variety of food choices and opportunities for stress relief, ultimately rejuvenating employees after a long day's work. Additionally, I would like to emphasize the importance of accessible transportation in reducing commuter stress. A company situated near subway or bus stations significantly benefits its employees by minimizing their time spent on the road. Thus, an optimal location undoubtedly makes a company more appealing to prospective hires. (114 words)

While In response to the professor's question (clarifies the context of the discussion), I can see Claire’s point that various of food can make employees enjoy their work, I agree concur with Andrew’s perspective Andrew that location is an essential point when attract plays a pivotal role (more formal and precise language) in attracting potential employees. As mentioned by Andrew, by Andrew mentioned, having shops and entertainment options within walking pace, it will make their break distance (clearer phrasing) enhances the convenience of employees' breaks and daily routine more convenient. Shops routines. These amenities offer a variety of food choices and entertainment options can give opportunities for stress relief, ultimately rejuvenating employees more food choices, and help them to release their stress and refresh their minds after a whole day’s work. Apart from what Andrew has raised, long day's work (improved flow and clarity). Additionally, I add that a good location with convenient would like to emphasize the importance of accessible transportation will reduce commuters in reducing commuter stress (added emphasis on transportation). A company situated near subway or bus stations significantly benefits its employees by minimizing their time spent on the road. The road (clearer phrasing). Thus, an optimal location of the company, which near the subway station or bus station, will place commuters as beneficiaries by reducing their time on the road. Therefore, undoubtedly makes a better location, undoubtedly, attracts people.company more appealing to prospective hires (concise conclusion).

8 思维导图

- Location
    - Attracting potential employees
        - Shops and entertainment options
            - Convenience of breaks and daily routines
            - Variety of food choices
            - Stress relief
        - Accessible transportation
            - Reducing commuter stress
            - Minimizing time spent on the road
    - Making a company more appealing to prospective hires

9 关键词

Section Title: 6 文章修改

针对教授的问题，我同意Andrew的观点，地理位置在吸引潜在员工方面起着关键作用。正如Andrew所提到的，拥有步行距离内的商店和娱乐设施可以提高员工休息和日常生活的便利性。这些设施为员工提供了各种食物选择和减压机会，最终使员工在辛苦一天后恢复活力。此外，我想强调交通便利在减轻通勤压力方面的重要性。公司位于地铁或公交车站附近，对员工有很大的好处，因为他们可以减少在路上花费的时间。因此，一个理想的位置无疑会使公司对潜在雇员更具吸引力。