TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Instructions Your professor is teaching a class on urban planning. Write a post responding to the professor's question.

1. Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 3.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.0 Language Use and Grammar: 3.0

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 21 (out of 30)

3. Task Completeness

The essay addresses the task by providing an opinion on how companies can attract potential employees. However, the essay could be improved by providing clearer support for the viewpoint and using more relevant examples from the reading passage. Additionally, some parts of the essay seem to be unrelated to the main topic, such as mentioning employees being afraid of dismissal.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Focus on one or two key points from the reading passage and elaborate on them with specific examples.

• Make sure all parts of your response are directly related to the task.

Examples in English:

1. "I believe that offering a competitive benefits package, including bonuses and insurance coverage, can make a company more attractive to potential employees."
2. "A company's location can play a significant role in attracting employees, as Andrew mentioned. For instance, having a workplace near public transportation or in an area with various amenities can make it more appealing."

4. Essay Structure and Organization

The essay has an introduction, body, and conclusion but lacks clear organization within paragraphs. The transitions between ideas could be improved for better flow.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Use clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph.

• Ensure that each paragraph focuses on one main idea with supporting details.

• Use appropriate transition words or phrases to connect ideas within paragraphs.

Examples in English:

1. "Firstly, offering a comprehensive benefits package is crucial in attracting potential employees."
2. "In addition to providing competitive benefits packages, companies should also consider their location when trying to attract new employees."

5. Grammar

While I appreciate both viewpoints mentioned by Andrew and Claire, I tend to say that the best way to companies can attract potential employees is to provide many welfareswelfare(misspelling) such as year bonus or some free insurances. It should be kept in mind that employees are who the people affectsaffect(people + 3rd person verb) the company's achievements ,,(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) so their feelings play an important role in determining whether a business is successful or not. If people feel interested byinterested in(Collocation: interested by/in) certain welfareswelfare(misspelling), it means that they are quite satisfied with the company and will be attracted, and that is the main reason for providing welfareswelfare(misspelling). Meanwhile, Claire contends that companies providing employees with a variety of food options in facilities, but she did not mention that employees are afraid to be dimisseddismissed(misspelling) by superiors, which will also lead to people keep working instead of go to the bars and the food is wasted. Consequently, the employees will not go to the bars, hence will be hard to attract potential employees and useless for current ones.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

While both Andrew and Claire present valid points, I believe that offering comprehensive employee benefits, such as annual bonuses and insurance coverage, is the most effective way for companies to attract potential employees. It is crucial to remember that employees significantly impact a company's success, and their satisfaction plays a vital role in determining the business's overall performance. By offering attractive benefits, companies can ensure that their employees feel valued and appreciated, which in turn fosters loyalty and commitment.

Although Claire highlights the importance of providing various food options within the workplace, she fails to consider the potential concerns employees may have regarding job security. In such cases, access to food amenities may not be sufficient to attract or retain talent. Therefore, focusing on more substantial benefits like financial incentives and insurance coverage can prove to be a more effective strategy in attracting potential employees while also catering to the needs of current ones. (159 words)

While both Andrew and Claire present valid points (clarification: acknowledging both perspectives), I appreciate both viewpoints mentioned by Andrew and Claire, I tend to say believe that the best offering comprehensive employee benefits (revised: more precise term for "welfares"), such as annual bonuses and insurance coverage (examples added for clarity), is the most effective way to for companies can to attract potential employees employees. It is to provide many welfares such as year bonus or some free insurances. It should be kept in mind crucial to remember that employees are who the people affects the significantly impact a company's achievements , so success (rephrased for better flow), and their feelings play an important satisfaction plays a vital role in determining whether a business is successful or not. If people the business's overall performance (rephrased for clarity). By offering attractive benefits, companies can ensure that their employees feel interested by certain welfares, it means that they are quite satisfied with the company and will be attracted, and that is the main reason for valued and appreciated (explanation: connecting benefits to employee satisfaction), which in turn fosters loyalty and commitment.

Although Claire highlights the importance of providing welfares. Meanwhile, Claire contends that companies providing employees with a variety of various food options within the workplace (summary of Claire's argument), she fails to consider the potential concerns employees may have regarding job security (counterargument introduced). In such cases, access to food amenities may not be sufficient to attract or retain talent (explanation: why food options might not be enough). Therefore, focusing on more substantial benefits like financial incentives and insurance coverage can prove to be a more effective strategy in facilities, but she did not mention that employees are afraid to be dimissed by superiors, which will attracting potential employees while also lead to people keep working instead catering to the needs of go to the bars and the food is wasted. Consequently, the employees will not go to the bars, hence will be hard to attract potential employees and useless for current ones.ones (conclusion: emphasizing the main argument).

8 Mind Map

1. Introduction

   • Employee benefits
   • Attracting potential employees

2. Comprehensive benefits

   • Annual bonuses
   • Insurance coverage

3. Employee satisfaction

   • Impact on company success
   • Loyalty and commitment

4. Claire's argument: food options

   • Importance in the workplace

5. Job security concerns

   • Food amenities not sufficient for attraction/retention

6. Focus on substantial benefits

   • Financial incentives
   • Insurance coverage for current employees

7. Effective strategy

   • Attracting potential employees

8. Conclusion

   • Comprehensive employee benefits as the most effective way

9 Key Words

6 Revised Essay

While both Andrew and Claire present valid points, I believe that offering comprehensive employee benefits, such as annual bonuses and insurance coverage, is the most effective way for companies to attract potential employees. It is crucial to remember that employees significantly impact a company's success, and their satisfaction plays a vital role in determining the business's overall performance. By offering attractive benefits, companies can ensure that their employees feel valued and appreciated, which in turn fosters loyalty and commitment.

Although Claire highlights the importance of providing various food options within the workplace, she fails to consider the potential concerns employees may have regarding job security. In such cases, access to food amenities may not be sufficient to attract or retain talent. Therefore, focusing on more substantial benefits like financial incentives and insurance coverage can prove to be a more effective strategy in attracting potential employees while also catering to the needs of current ones.