TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Instructions Your professor is teaching a class on humanity. Write a post responding to the professor's question.

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.0

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.5

• Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. 预估分数

22. 3 任务完成度

这篇文章在任务完成方面做得不错，但仍有改进的空间。首先，你需要更清楚地表达自己的观点，并提供更多具体的例子来支持你的论点。此外，尽量避免使用重复的词汇和表达，以增加文章的语言多样性。

Example 1: Instead of "Technology products such as smart phone and computer, make it easier for everyone to interact.", you could write "Technological advancements, including smartphones and computers, have facilitated seamless interaction among individuals."

Example 2: Instead of "Take teleconference as an example.", you could write "For instance, teleconferencing has revolutionized the way meetings are conducted."

4. 文章结构与组织

文章结构方面，你需要更明确地划分段落，并确保每个段落都集中讨论一个特定的观点。此外，在段落之间使用过渡词或短语可以使文章更连贯。最后，请确保你的结论简洁明了，总结了整篇文章的主要观点。

Example 1: You could start a new paragraph with "Take teleconference as an example." to separate it from the previous idea.

Example 2: Add a conclusion paragraph like this: "In conclusion, although modern technology has led to a faster-paced lifestyle, it is still essential for individuals to maintain politeness in their interactions. By adapting to new communication methods and respecting others, we can create a more harmonious society."

5. 语法批改

I concur with Aldrich's viewpoint for the reason that todaytoday,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) advanced technology shrinks distance between us and makes communication more convenient. Technology productsproducts,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) such as smart phonesmartphone(Recommended compounds (smartphone, website, …)) and computer, make it easier for everyone to interact. No mattermatter,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) making an appointment with dentists or discuss a question with professor. Such approaches do not include some polite manner like greeingagreeing(misspelling) word and so on, but save people's time to relizerealize(misspelling) the purpose. Take teleconference as an example. Everyone have to at present in traditional meetings with formal appearance and systematic organizations, when someone may get late due to bad weather or postponed flight. On the contrary, teleconference, a reletivelyrelatively(misspelling) unformalinformal(misspelling) approach of meeting, does not acquire anything but a laptop, at any time and in any place, providing much convenience to people.

Section Title: 6 文章修订

Revised Essay: I agree with Aldrich's perspective, as advanced technology has significantly reduced the distance between us and made communication more convenient. Technological devices, such as smartphones and computers, have simplified interactions for everyone. Whether it's scheduling a dentist appointment or discussing a question with a professor, these methods may not include traditional polite gestures but ultimately save time and achieve the desired outcome. For instance, consider teleconferencing. In traditional meetings, attendees must be physically present, dressed formally, and adhere to structured organization; however, factors like inclement weather or delayed flights can cause delays. In contrast, teleconferencing—a relatively informal meeting approach—requires only a laptop and can be conducted anytime and anywhere, offering significant convenience to participants. (120 words)

I concur agree with Aldrich's viewpoint perspective (Changed "viewpoint" to "perspective" for the reason that today a more natural tone), as advanced technology shrinks has significantly reduced the distance between us and makes made communication more convenient. Technology products Technological devices, such as smart phone smartphones and computer, make it easier computers (Rephrased "technology products" to "technological devices" for everyone to interact. No matter making an clarity), have simplified interactions for everyone. Whether it's scheduling a dentist appointment with dentists or discuss discussing a question with professor. Such approaches do a professor (Improved sentence structure for better flow), these methods may not include some traditional polite manner gestures but ultimately save time and achieve the desired outcome (Clarified meaning and improved sentence structure). For instance, consider teleconferencing (Added transition for better flow). In traditional meetings, attendees must be physically present, dressed formally, and adhere to structured organization; however, factors like greeing word and so on, but save people's time to relize the purpose. Take teleconference as an example. Everyone have to at present in traditional meetings with formal appearance and systematic organizations, when someone may get late due to bad inclement weather or postponed flight. On the contrary, teleconference, delayed flights can cause delays (Improved sentence structure for clarity). In contrast, teleconferencing—a relatively informal meeting approach—requires only a reletively unformal approach laptop and can be conducted anytime and anywhere (Corrected spelling of meeting, does not acquire anything but a laptop, at any time and in any place, providing much "reletively unformal" to "relatively informal"), offering significant convenience to people.participants.

8 思维导图

- 主题: 高科技与礼貌之间的关系
  - 支持Aldrich观点
    - 高科技缩短了距离
    - 通讯更加便捷
  - 技术设备简化互动
    - 智能手机和电脑
    - 预约牙医或向教授提问等场景
  - 节省时间和达到目的
    - 不包括传统礼貌手势
    - 更高效的沟通方式
  - 对比例子: 传统会议与电话会议
    - 传统会议要求现场、正式着装、结构化组织等因素可能导致延误
    - 电话会议不受地点限制，只需笔记本电脑，方便参与者

9 关键词