TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Instructions Your professor is teaching a class on economics. Write a post responding to the professor's question.In your response you should:  express and support your personal opinion  make a contribution to the discussion in your own words An effective response will contain at least 100 words.

1. Sub Scores

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.0

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.5

• Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 25

3. Task completeness

The essay does a good job of addressing the task by providing a clear opinion on the importance of telescopes in the field of astronomy. However, it could be improved by directly connecting the chosen invention to the context of economics, as mentioned in the instructions. Additionally, more specific examples or details could be provided to further support the viewpoint.

Example 1: "Telescopes have also contributed significantly to our understanding of economic resources in space, such as potential mining opportunities on asteroids or other celestial bodies."

Example 2: "The advancements in telescope technology have led to numerous economic benefits, including job creation in industries related to space exploration and research."

4. Essay structure and organization

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, it could benefit from clearer transitions between ideas and paragraphs to enhance its organization.

Example 1: In the introduction, you can add a sentence like "In this essay, I will discuss how telescopes have revolutionized our understanding of the universe and why they are an important invention."

Example 2: To improve transitions between paragraphs, consider using phrases like "Furthermore," "In addition," or "On the other hand" at the beginning of each paragraph to signal a shift in focus or provide additional information.

5. Grammar

Mentioning about theMentioning the(Collocation: consider (about)) most significant scientific inventions, some may camecome(Non-infinitive verb after modal verbs) up satellites or spacecrafts that contributed to the development of telecommunications, whereas from my perspective, I believe that the invention of telescopes have its profound impact in the field of astronomy.

Since observing is the very prior step of any experiments, the presence of telescopes, which allows scientists to view the space by themselves, constructed (Two consecutive spaces)a strong foundation for the study of the universe.

To be more specific, telescopes created an opportunity for people to see the universe in reality that was before a mystery and promotes the research processes for it. For instance, scientists first discovered the moon though an early version of telescope and pointed out the fact that almost every planet were equipped with a guard like moon surrounding them.

Admittedly, the release of satellites did open the gate of technology and marked ana(Use of 'a' vs. 'an') new era with more advanced communication system, while I am more on another point of view. These inventions were all based on a fundamental processprocess,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) which is getgot(Agreement: 'been' or 'was' + past tense) the comprehensive understanding of the setting. Therefore, I would choose telescopes to be the most essential contribution to the current age as it bore this responsibility.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

When considering the most significant scientific inventions, some may suggest satellites or spacecrafts that have contributed to the development of telecommunications. However, from my perspective, I believe that the invention of telescopes has had a profound impact in the field of astronomy.

Observation is a crucial first step in any experiment, and telescopes have provided scientists with the ability to view space directly, laying a strong foundation for the study of the universe. Telescopes have allowed people to see previously mysterious aspects of the universe and have promoted research in this area. For instance, scientists first discovered the moon through an early version of a telescope and identified that almost every planet has a moon-like satellite orbiting it.

Admittedly, the launch of satellites did open new doors in technology and marked a new era with more advanced communication systems. However, I maintain a different point of view. These inventions were all based on a fundamental process: gaining a comprehensive understanding of our cosmic surroundings. Therefore, I would choose telescopes as the most essential contribution to our current age because they bear this responsibility. (188 words)

Mentioning about When considering the most significant scientific inventions, some may came up suggest satellites or spacecrafts (clarification: "came up" changed to "suggest" for better word choice) that have contributed to the development of telecommunications, whereas telecommunications. However, from my perspective, I believe that the invention of telescopes have its has (grammar: "have" changed to "has" for subject-verb agreement) had a profound impact in the field of astronomy.

Since observing Observation is the very prior a crucial first step of in any experiments, the presence of telescopes, which allows experiment, and telescopes have provided scientists with the ability to view the space by themselves, constructed directly (clarification: "by themselves" changed to "directly" for better word choice), laying a strong foundation for the study of the universe. ¶ To be more specific, telescopes created an opportunity for Telescopes have allowed people to see previously mysterious aspects of the universe in reality that was before a mystery and promotes the and have promoted research processes for it. in this area (clarification: rephrased sentence for clarity). For instance, scientists first discovered the moon though through an early version of a telescope and pointed out the fact identified that almost every planet were equipped with a guard like moon surrounding them. has a moon-like satellite orbiting it (clarification: rephrased sentence for clarity).

Admittedly, the release launch of satellites did open the gate of new doors in technology and marked an a new era with more advanced communication system, while systems. However, I am more on maintain a different point of view (clarification: "on another point of view. view" changed to "maintain a different point of view" for better word choice). These inventions were all based on a fundamental process which is get the process: gaining a comprehensive understanding of the setting. our cosmic surroundings (clarification: rephrased sentence for clarity). Therefore, I would choose telescopes to be as the most essential contribution to the our current age as it bore because they bear this responsibility.responsibility (grammar: "bore" changed to "bear" for correct verb tense).

8 Mind Map

1. Introduction

   • Scientific inventions
   • Telescopes in astronomy

2. Observation

   • Crucial first step
   • Viewing space directly

3. Foundation for study

   • Universe research
   • Discoveries through telescopes

4. Examples

   • Moon discovery
   • Planetary satellites

5. Comparison to satellites and spacecrafts

   • New technology era
   • Advanced communication systems

6. Fundamental process

   • Understanding cosmic surroundings

7. Most essential contribution

   • Telescopes' responsibility

8. Conclusion

   • Telescopes' profound impact

9 Key Words

6 Revised Essay

When considering the most significant scientific inventions, some may suggest satellites or spacecrafts that have contributed to the development of telecommunications. However, from my perspective, I believe that the invention of telescopes has had a profound impact in the field of astronomy.

Observation is a crucial first step in any experiment, and telescopes have provided scientists with the ability to view space directly, laying a strong foundation for the study of the universe. Telescopes have allowed people to see previously mysterious aspects of the universe and have promoted research in this area. For instance, scientists first discovered the moon through an early version of a telescope and identified that almost every planet has a moon-like satellite orbiting it.

Admittedly, the launch of satellites did open new doors in technology and marked a new era with more advanced communication systems. However, I maintain a different point of view. These inventions were all based on a fundamental process: gaining a comprehensive understanding of our cosmic surroundings. Therefore, I would choose telescopes as the most essential contribution to our current age because they bear this responsibility.