TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: For individuals who want to give to only one of those types of charities, international or local, which is the better choice? Why?

1. Sub Scores:

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.0 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.5 Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. Estimated Scores:

Estimated Score: 24

3. Task completeness:

The essay does a decent job of addressing the specific requirements of the task. The writer clearly states their preference for local charities and provides two reasons to support their viewpoint. However, the essay could benefit from more elaboration on each point, as well as providing more specific examples or details to strengthen the argument.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Elaborate on each reason with more details or explanations.

• Provide more specific examples or evidence to support your viewpoint.

Examples:

1. Instead of simply stating that local charities provide free meals for poverty dwellers, you could explain how these charities work closely with food banks and soup kitchens to ensure that those in need have access to nutritious meals.

2. When discussing the impact of local charities on community improvement, you could mention specific projects they have funded, such as after-school programs or healthcare initiatives, which directly benefit community members.

4. Essay structure and organization:

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, it could be improved by organizing each paragraph around a single point with supporting details and using clearer transitions between ideas and paragraphs.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Focus each paragraph on one main point with supporting details.

• Use clear transitions between ideas and paragraphs.

Examples:

1. In the first body paragraph, begin by stating that local charities can quickly address community issues due to their proximity and understanding of local needs. Then provide supporting details such as how they collaborate with other organizations or government agencies to implement effective solutions.

2. To improve transitions between paragraphs, use phrases like "In addition" or "Furthermore" at the beginning of new paragraphs to indicate that you are building upon your previous point. For example, "Furthermore, supporting local charities can have a visible impact on the community as they are well-aware of the community's needs and can allocate their resources effectively."

5. Grammar

The choice between giving to local charities or international charities is a controversial topic. From my perspective, I will opt for local charities, and there are two reasons. Firstly, local charities make it easier to locate the community’s issues. Local charities also have an immediate impact on the community; they offer tangible benefits. For example, there are some poverty dwellers in the community; they are always starving. Thus, local charities will provide free meals for them. The contribution can affect them quickly. Secondly, supporting local charities can have a visible impact, and local charities also realize the community’s needs; as a result, it is noticeable for the community’s improvement. For instance, there is a community shortensshortens,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) a place to relax and exercise. The local charities know it, and they will utilize their funds to build a new park for the residents.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

The decision to contribute to either local or international charities is a subject of ongoing debate. In my opinion, supporting local charities is the better choice for two primary reasons. First, local organizations possess a deeper understanding of the community's specific needs and can address them more effectively. By focusing on immediate concerns, such as providing meals for impoverished individuals, local charities can deliver tangible benefits that directly impact the community. Second, the results of supporting local charities are often more visible and easier to measure. These organizations are acutely aware of their community's requirements and can allocate resources accordingly to make noticeable improvements. For example, if a neighborhood lacks recreational spaces, a local charity may use its funds to construct a new park for residents to enjoy. This direct impact on the community makes local charities an appealing option for those looking to make a difference in their immediate surroundings. (156 words)

The choice between giving to local charities decision to contribute to either local or international charities is a controversial topic. From subject of ongoing debate (revised for clarity and formality). In my perspective, I will opt for local charities, and there opinion, supporting local charities is the better choice for two primary reasons (revised for conciseness). First, local organizations possess a deeper understanding of the community's specific needs (revised for clarity) and can address them more effectively. By focusing on immediate concerns, such as providing meals for impoverished individuals (revised for specificity), local charities can deliver tangible benefits that directly impact the community (revised for clarity). Second, the results of supporting local charities are two reasons. Firstly, local charities often more visible and easier to measure (revised for clarity). These organizations are acutely aware of their community's requirements (revised for formality) and can allocate resources accordingly to make it easier to locate the community’s issues. Local charities also have an immediate noticeable improvements (revised for clarity). For example, if a neighborhood lacks recreational spaces, a local charity may use its funds to construct a new park for residents to enjoy (revised for specificity). This direct impact on the community; they offer tangible benefits. For example, there are some poverty dwellers community makes local charities an appealing option for those looking to make a difference in the community; they are always starving. Thus, local charities will provide free meals for them. The contribution can affect them quickly. Secondly, supporting local charities can have a visible impact, and local charities also realize the community’s needs; as a result, it is noticeable for the community’s improvement. For instance, there is a community shortens a place to relax and exercise. The local charities know it, and they will utilize their funds to build a new park for the residents.immediate surroundings (revised for clarity and flow).

8 Mind Map

1. Introduction

   • Debate on local vs international charities
   • Preference for local charities

2. Local organizations' understanding

   • Knowledge of community needs
   • Addressing specific issues effectively

3. Immediate concerns

   • Providing meals for impoverished individuals
   • Tangible benefits for the community

4. Visibility and measurability of results

   • Awareness of community requirements
   • Resource allocation for improvements

5. Example: neighborhood recreational spaces

   • Local charity constructing a park
   • Direct impact on residents' lives

6. Appeal of local charities

   • Making a difference in immediate surroundings

7. Conclusion

   • Supporting local charities as the better choice

9 Key Words

6 Revised Essay

The decision to contribute to either local or international charities is an ongoing debate. In my opinion, supporting local charities is the better choice for two primary reasons. First, local organizations possess a deeper understanding of the community's specific needs and can address them more effectively. By focusing on immediate concerns, such as providing meals for impoverished individuals, local charities can deliver tangible benefits that directly impact the community. Second, the results of supporting local charities are often more visible and easier to measure. These organizations are acutely aware of their community's requirements and can allocate resources accordingly to make noticeable improvements. For example, if a neighborhood lacks recreational spaces, a local charity may use its funds to construct a new park for residents to enjoy. This direct impact on the community makes local charities an appealing option for those looking to make a difference in their immediate surroundings.