TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Competition among friends usually has a negative impact on friendship

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. 预估分数

• 28

3. 任务完成度

这篇文章在完成任务方面做得相当不错，但仍有一些改进的空间。首先，你可以更详细地讨论竞争对友谊的积极影响，例如提供更多具体的例子。此外，在文章中加入一些关于竞争可能导致负面影响的观点，并解释为什么你认为这些负面影响不足以支持题目的观点，将使你的论证更加全面和有说服力。

改进示例1（英文）: Instead of only mentioning your personal experience with Rose, you could provide additional examples of how competition among friends can lead to mutual growth and improvement.

改进示例2（英文）: You could discuss potential negative effects of competition on friendships, such as jealousy or resentment, but then explain why you believe these issues can be overcome or are not significant enough to support the statement that competition has a negative impact on friendship.

4. 文章结构与组织

文章的结构和组织方面基本合理，但仍有提升空间。首先，可以在引言部分明确提出自己的观点，并简要概述论证要点。其次，在正文部分，尝试使用主题句来引导每个段落的主要观点，并在段落中提供更多具体的细节和例子。最后，在结论部分，总结文章的主要观点，并简要重申自己的立场。

改进示例1（英文）: In the introduction, you could write: "I believe that competition among friends can have a positive impact on friendship, as it encourages mutual growth and improvement."

改进示例2（英文）: For better organization in the body paragraphs, you could start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence, such as: "One of the main reasons I believe competition can be beneficial for friendships is that it motivates individuals to perform better."

5. 语法批改

I didn't concur with the notion that competition exerts an adverse impact on friendship. The primary rationale behind my viewpoint is that positive competition can motivate one another, allowing them to perform increasingly better. When one of your friends becomes more successful whether in their professions or their academic study, as his genuine friend, you won't be jealous of him, rather, his success gives you motivation and stimulation to learn from him and catch up with him. Drawing from my personal experience, my best friend Rose, who is constantly persistent and industrious, won the first-class scholarship. I was glad and proud of herher,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) while I studied much harder to make further progress like her. Although we seem to be competitors, competition between us acts as a motor to propel us to do our best. In conclusion, rivalry between friends plays a crucial role in making them stretch and fulfill their potential.

Title: 6 文章修订

I respectfully disagree with the assertion that competition among friends typically leads to negative consequences within the friendship. My primary reason for this perspective is that healthy competition can serve as a mutual motivator, inspiring both parties to strive for greater achievements. When a friend experiences success in their professional or academic pursuits, a true friend will not harbor jealousy; instead, they will find inspiration and motivation to learn from their friend's accomplishments and work towards their own goals. For instance, my best friend Rose, who consistently demonstrates persistence and diligence, recently earned a prestigious scholarship. Rather than feeling envious, I was filled with pride and admiration for her achievement, which in turn motivated me to work harder in my own studies. While we may appear as competitors on the surface, the underlying competition between us acts as a driving force that encourages us both to reach our full potential. (153 words)

Revised essay: Title: 7 文章批改

I didn't concur respectfully disagree (changed "didn't concur" to "respectfully disagree" for a more natural tone) with the notion assertion that competition exerts an adverse impact on among friends typically leads to negative consequences within the friendship. The My primary rationale reason (changed "rationale behind my viewpoint viewpoint" to "primary reason" for clarity and conciseness) for this perspective is that positive healthy competition can motivate one another, allowing them to perform increasingly better. serve as a mutual motivator, inspiring both parties to strive for greater achievements. When one of your friends becomes more successful whether in their professions a friend experiences success in their professional or their academic study, as his genuine friend, you won't be jealous of him, rather, his success gives you pursuits, a true friend will not harbor jealousy; instead, they will find inspiration and motivation and stimulation to learn from him and catch up with him. Drawing from my personal experience, their friend's accomplishments and work towards their own goals. For instance, my best friend Rose, who is constantly consistently demonstrates persistence and diligence (changed "constantly persistent and industrious, won the first-class industrious" to "consistently demonstrates persistence and diligence" for clarity), recently earned a prestigious scholarship. Rather than feeling envious, I was glad and proud of filled with pride and admiration for her while I studied much achievement, which in turn motivated me to work harder to make further progress like her. Although in my own studies. While we seem to be competitors, may appear as competitors on the surface, the underlying competition between us acts as a motor to propel driving force (changed "motor" to "driving force" for a more natural expression) that encourages us to do both to reach our best. full potential. In conclusion, rivalry between friends plays a crucial role in making them stretch and fulfill their potential.potential (kept this sentence as it is clear and concise).

Title: 8 思维导图

1. Introduction
   - Disagree with negative consequences
   - Healthy competition as mutual motivator

2. Professional and academic pursuits
   - True friends find inspiration, not jealousy
   - Learning from each other's accomplishments

3. Personal example
   - Best friend Rose's scholarship
   - Pride and admiration, not envy

4. Competition as a driving force
   - Encourages both parties to reach full potential

5. Conclusion
   - Emphasize the benefits of healthy competition among friends

Title: 9 关键词