TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Academic writing

1. 子项得分

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 3.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.0 Language Use and Grammar: 2.5

2. 预估分数

20. 3 任务完成度

这篇文章的任务完成度尚可，但仍有改进的空间。首先，你需要更清楚地表达你的观点，并提供更多详细的例子来支持你的论点。此外，注意使用正确的语法和词汇。建议如下：

• 在引入观点时，使用更清晰、准确的表述。

• 提供更多具体例子来支持观点。

• 注意检查语法错误和词汇用法。

示例1（改进前）：To be more specific, there are only railway for people to come to another country or area. 示例1（改进后）：To be more specific, before the invention of cars, people could only rely on railways for transportation between countries or regions.

示例2（改进前）：For instance, I will come to hospital quickly if I have some emergency illnesses, like heart illnesses and asthma. 示例2（改进后）：For instance, in case of emergency medical situations such as heart attacks or asthma, cars enable us to reach hospitals quickly.

4. 文章结构与组织

文章结构方面还有待加强。建议按照以下要点进行修改：

• 引言部分需要明确提出主题。

• 正文部分应围绕一个中心论点展开，并提供支持细节。

• 结论部分总结全文，并重申观点。

建议如下：

• 在引言部分明确提出你认为汽车是过去200年最重要的发明。

• 在正文部分，使用一个或多个段落来阐述汽车的重要性，并提供具体例子。

• 在结论部分，总结文章内容并重申观点。

示例1（改进前）：While I can see Paul's and Claire's points that the satellite and the process of medical was important in last two hundred years discoveries. 示例1（改进后）：While I acknowledge the significance of satellites and medical advancements mentioned by Paul and Claire, I believe that the invention of cars has played a crucial role in human development over the past two hundred years.

示例2（改进前）：In conclusion. I believe that the car play an important inventionpart in last two hundred years. 示例2（改进后）：In conclusion, considering its impact on transportation, convenience, and overall quality of life, I firmly believe that the car is one of the most important inventions in the last two hundred years.

5. 语法批改

While I can see Paul's and Claire's points that the satellite and the process of medical was important in last two hundred years discoveries. Indeed, both of them are usefulness for human. Nevertheless, I would add that the car constitutes the crucial stage for human development since it occurs at the time when people are having less public transportations in last two hundred years. To be more specific, there are only railway for people to come to another country or area. In this case, the car bringbrings(punctuation + singular noun + plural verb) a lot of conveniences for people. For instance, I will come to hospital quickly if I have some emergency illnesses, like heart illnesses and asthma. In conclusion. I believe that the car play an important inventionpartinvention part(misspelling) in last two hundred years.

Title: 6 文章修订

While Paul and Claire make valid points regarding the significance of satellites and medical advancements over the past two centuries, I would argue that the invention of the automobile has been equally transformative. The advent of cars coincided with a period when public transportation options were limited, primarily consisting of railways for long-distance travel. The introduction of automobiles revolutionized personal mobility, providing unprecedented convenience and accessibility. For example, in emergency situations such as sudden health crises like heart attacks or asthma episodes, having access to a car can be life-saving by enabling rapid transportation to medical facilities. Thus, I contend that the development of the automobile has been an essential innovation in shaping modern society. (118 words)

While Paul and Claire make valid points (revised for clarity and conciseness) regarding the significance of satellites and medical advancements (rephrased for better flow) over the past two centuries (changed "last two hundred years" to "past two centuries" for a more natural expression), I can see Paul's and Claire's points would argue that the satellite invention of the automobile has been equally transformative (rephrased for better flow). The advent of cars coincided with a period when public transportation options were limited, primarily consisting of railways for long-distance travel (revised for clarity and the process conciseness). The introduction of automobiles revolutionized personal mobility, providing unprecedented convenience and accessibility (rephrased for better flow). For example, in emergency situations such as sudden health crises like heart attacks or asthma episodes (revised for clarity), having access to a car can be life-saving by enabling rapid transportation to medical was important in last two hundred years discoveries. Indeed, both of them are usefulness facilities (rephrased for human. Nevertheless, better flow). Thus, I would add contend that the car constitutes development of the crucial stage automobile has been an essential innovation in shaping modern society (rephrased for human development since it occurs at the time when people are having less public transportations in last two hundred years. To be more specific, there are only railway for people to come to another country or area. In this case, the car bring a lot of conveniences for people. For instance, I will come to hospital quickly if I have some emergency illnesses, like heart illnesses better flow and asthma. In conclusion. I believe that the car play an important inventionpart in last two hundred years.clarity).

8 思维导图

- 主题: 汽车的发明对现代社会的影响
  - 与卫星和医学进步的比较
  - 汽车诞生时期的公共交通局限性
    - 长途旅行主要依靠铁路
  - 汽车对个人出行的革命性改变
    - 提供前所未有的便利和可达性
  - 实例: 紧急情况下汽车的重要性
    - 心脏病发作或哮喘发作等突发健康危机
    - 快速前往医疗设施救治生命

9 关键词