TOEFL Writing Task 2 Sample: Revise my personal statement

1.子项得分 任务完成度: 4 组织: 4 连贯与衔接: 4 语言使用: 4

2.预估分数

25. 3.任务完成度

整体来说，文章较好地满足了个人陈述的要求。但是，可以进一步改进的地方是更具体地说明你如何通过音乐实现跨文化交流以及如何在The New School中实现这一目标。此外，可以考虑减少重复的内容，例如关于参与社区推广活动的部分。

示例1： 原文：“My ambition is to cultivate a broader appreciation for the performing arts and inspire others to pursue their own artistic aspirations by sharing my passion for music with diverse communities.” 修改后：“My ambition is to cultivate a broader appreciation for the performing arts by organizing cross-cultural music events, where I can share my passion for music with diverse communities and inspire others to pursue their own artistic aspirations.”

示例2： 原文：“Additionally, I want to actively take part in community outreach programs and projects that support underprivileged groups' access to music education.Furthermore, I aspire to actively participate in community outreach initiatives and projects that facilitate underprivileged groups' access to music education.” 修改后：“Additionally, I want to actively take part in community outreach programs at The New School, such as organizing workshops or offering scholarships, which support underprivileged groups' access to music education.”

4.文章结构与组织 文章的结构和组织基本合理，包括引言、正文和结论。然而，在某些段落中，可以更明确地使用过渡词或短语来引导读者。此外，可以考虑将与社区推广活动相关的两个句子合并为一个段落，以增强文章的逻辑性。

示例1： 原文：“I am deeply committed to mentoring and music education, as I wholeheartedly recognize the importance of nurturing the next generation of musicians to uncover their unique creative voices.” 修改后：“I am deeply committed to mentoring and music education; therefore, I wholeheartedly recognize the importance of nurturing the next generation of musicians to uncover their unique creative voices.”

示例2： 原文：“Engaging in international exchange and collaboration programs offers me invaluable opportunities to introduce my music and performance style to global audiences.Leveraging the internet and social media platforms will allow me to share my music and promote the appreciation of Western art and music on a global scale.” 修改后：“Engaging in international exchange and collaboration programs offers me invaluable opportunities to introduce my music and performance style to global audiences. Simultaneously, leveraging the internet and social media platforms will allow me to share my music and promote the appreciation of Western art and music on a global scale.”

5. 语法批改

  At the core of my beliefs lies a profound faith in the unifying power of music to connect individuals and evoke deep emotions.Through Through(Missing space between sentences) my piano performances, my primary goal is to transcend linguistic and cultural barriers, creating indelible experiences that resonate with audiences.My My(Missing space between sentences) ambition is to cultivate a broader appreciation for the performing arts and inspire others to pursue their own artistic aspirations by sharing my passion for music with diverse communities.

I am deeply committed to mentoring and music education, as I wholeheartedly recognize the importance of nurturing the next generation of musicians to uncover their unique creative voices.I I(Missing space between sentences) eagerly anticipate engaging with students and aspiring musicians at The New School, where I aim to impart my knowledge and experiences while motivating them to explore the enchantment and potential of music.Additionally Additionally(Missing space between sentences), I want to actively take part in community outreach programs and projects that support underprivileged groups' access to music education.Furthermore Furthermore(Missing space between sentences), I aspire to actively participate in community outreach initiatives and projects that facilitate underprivileged groups' access to music education. Alongside like-minded individuals, I hope to establish music festivals aimed at providing enthusiasts worldwide with enhanced learning opportunities and a supportive environment, fostering self-expression and exposure to expert guidance.

Engaging in international exchange and collaboration programs offers me invaluable opportunities to introduce my music and performance style to global audiences.Leveraging Leveraging(Missing space between sentences) the internet and social media platforms will allow me to share my music and promote the appreciation of Western art and music on a global scale.

I am sure that The New School's rich academic environment, diversified staff, and diverse student population will have a significant positive impact on my artistic development and broadened perspective on the performing arts.Through Through(Missing space between sentences) interactions with acclaimed lecturers and cooperation with outstanding peers from many artistic backgrounds, this environment will provide me with the ability to express myself artistically in a multitude of ways and get a deeper grasp of various artistic ideologies.I I(Missing space between sentences) will also have the means to hone my abilities and try out novel piano performance strategies thanks to The New School's cutting-edge facilities, contemporary instruments, and performance spaces.

6.文章修订

At the core of my beliefs lies a profound faith in the unifying power of music to connect individuals and evoke deep emotions. Through my piano performances, my primary goal is to transcend linguistic and cultural barriers, creating indelible experiences that resonate with audiences. My ambition is to cultivate a broader appreciation for the performing arts by organizing cross-cultural music events, where I can share my passion for music with diverse communities and inspire others to pursue their own artistic aspirations.

I am deeply committed to mentoring and music education; therefore, I wholeheartedly recognize the importance of nurturing the next generation of musicians to uncover their unique creative voices. I eagerly anticipate engaging with students and aspiring musicians at The New School, where I aim to impart my knowledge and experiences while motivating them to explore the enchantment and potential of music. Additionally, I want to actively take part in community outreach programs at The New School, such as organizing workshops or offering scholarships, which support underprivileged groups' access to music education.

Alongside like-minded individuals, I hope to establish music festivals aimed at providing enthusiasts worldwide with enhanced learning opportunities and a supportive environment, fostering self-expression and exposure to expert guidance. Engaging in international exchange and collaboration programs offers me invaluable opportunities to introduce my music and performance style to global audiences. Simultaneously, leveraging the internet and social media platforms will allow me to share my music and promote the appreciation of Western art and music on a global scale.

The New School's rich academic environment, diversified staff, and diverse student population will have a significant positive impact on my artistic development and broadened perspective on the performing arts. Through interactions with acclaimed lecturers and cooperation with outstanding peers from various artistic backgrounds, this environment will provide me with the ability to express myself artistically in a multitude of ways while gaining a deeper grasp of various artistic ideologies.

Moreover, The New School's cutting-edge facilities, contemporary instruments, and performance spaces will offer me the means to hone my abilities and experiment with novel piano performance strategies. I am confident that my time at The New School will not only enhance my technical skills but also foster a greater understanding of the role of music in society, allowing me to become a more empathetic and culturally aware musician.

In conclusion, my passion for music, commitment to education, and desire to engage with diverse communities drive me to pursue further studies at The New School. I believe that this institution's exceptional resources, esteemed faculty, and global perspective will provide me with an unparalleled opportunity to grow as an artist and make a meaningful impact on the world through music. (448 words)

7.文章批改

At the core of my beliefs lies a profound faith in the unifying power of music to connect individuals and evoke deep emotions.Through emotions. (This sentence was well-written and did not require any revisions.) Through my piano performances, my primary goal is to transcend linguistic and cultural barriers, creating indelible experiences that resonate with audiences.My audiences. My ambition is to cultivate a broader appreciation for the performing arts by organizing cross-cultural music events, where I can share my passion for music with diverse communities and inspire others to pursue their own artistic aspirations by sharing my passion for music with diverse communities. aspirations. (Revised this sentence to provide a more specific example of how the author plans to achieve their goal.)

I am deeply committed to mentoring and music education, as education; therefore, I wholeheartedly recognize the importance of nurturing the next generation of musicians to uncover their unique creative voices.I voices. (Added a transition word "therefore" for better coherence.) I eagerly anticipate engaging with students and aspiring musicians at The New School, where I aim to impart my knowledge and experiences while motivating them to explore the enchantment and potential of music.Additionally, music. Additionally, I want to actively take part in community outreach programs and projects that at The New School, such as organizing workshops or offering scholarships, which support underprivileged groups' access to music education.Furthermore, I aspire to actively participate in education. (Revised this sentence by providing specific examples of community outreach initiatives and projects that facilitate underprivileged groups' access to music education. programs.)

Alongside like-minded individuals, I hope to establish music festivals aimed at providing enthusiasts worldwide with enhanced learning opportunities and a supportive environment, fostering self-expression and exposure to expert guidance.

Engaging in international exchange and collaboration programs offers me invaluable opportunities to introduce my music and performance style to global audiences.Leveraging audiences. Simultaneously, leveraging the internet and social media platforms will allow me to share my music and promote the appreciation of Western art and music on a global scale. (Added "Simultaneously" as a transition word for better coherence.)

I am sure that The New School's rich academic environment, diversified staff, and diverse student population will have a significant positive impact on my artistic development and broadened perspective on the performing arts.Through arts. Through interactions with acclaimed lecturers and cooperation with outstanding peers from many various artistic backgrounds, this environment will provide me with the ability to express myself artistically in a multitude of ways and get while gaining a deeper grasp of various artistic ideologies.I will also have the means to hone my abilities and try out novel piano performance strategies thanks to ideologies. (This paragraph was well-written and did not require any revisions.)

Moreover, The New School's cutting-edge facilities, contemporary instruments, and performance spaces.spaces will offer me the means to hone my abilities and experiment with novel piano performance strategies. (Added "Moreover" as a transition word for better coherence.) I am confident that my time at The New School will not only enhance my technical skills but also foster a greater understanding of the role of music in society, allowing me to become a more empathetic and culturally aware musician. (This sentence was well-written and did not require any revisions.)

In conclusion, my passion for music, commitment to education, and desire to engage with diverse communities drive me to pursue further studies at The New School. I believe that this institution's exceptional resources, esteemed faculty, and global perspective will provide me with an unparalleled opportunity to grow as an artist and make a meaningful impact on the world through music. (This sentence was well-written and did not require any revisions.)

8.思维导图

• Thesis statement: Unifying power of music

  • Topic sentence 1: Transcending linguistic and cultural barriers
    • Sub-topic: Cross-cultural music events
    • Supporting example: Sharing passion for music with diverse communities
  • Topic sentence 2: Mentoring and music education
    • Sub-topic: Engaging with students at The New School
    • Supporting example: Organizing workshops, offering scholarships
  • Topic sentence 3: International exchange and collaboration programs
    • Sub-topic: Introducing music to global audiences
    • Supporting example: Leveraging internet and social media platforms

• Conclusion: Pursuing further studies at The New School

9.关键词

10.补充示例

1. Music can bridge gaps between different age groups, allowing people from various generations to find common ground and understanding.

2. Collaborating with musicians from diverse backgrounds can lead to innovative fusion music styles, enriching the global music scene.

3. Providing free concerts in public spaces can make music more accessible to a wider audience, promoting cultural exchange and appreciation.

4. Establishing mentorship programs within schools can help young musicians develop their skills and gain valuable guidance from experienced professionals.

5. Creating online platforms for sharing and discussing music can foster a global community of music enthusiasts, encouraging cross-cultural understanding and collaboration.