TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on child development. Write a post responding to the professor's question. Your professor is teaching a class on child development. Write a post responding to the professor's question.

1. Sub Scores:

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0 Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. Estimated Scores:

Estimated Score: 25

3. Task completeness:

The essay addresses the topic of whether teenagers should work part-time jobs and provides a clear viewpoint in support of part-time jobs for teenagers. The essay also presents relevant examples to support the argument, such as the development of time management and communication skills. However, there is room for improvement in terms of elaborating on the points made and addressing counterarguments.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Expand on the benefits of part-time jobs for teenagers by providing more specific examples or evidence.

• Address potential counterarguments, such as how part-time jobs might distract from academic responsibilities.

Examples:

1. "For instance, working as a cashier not only helps teenagers develop communication skills but also teaches them about handling money responsibly, which is an essential life skill."
2. "While some may argue that part-time jobs can be distracting, studies have shown that students who work a moderate number of hours per week tend to have better time management skills and perform just as well academically as their non-working peers."

4. Essay structure and organization:

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, there is room for improvement in terms of organizing ideas more coherently within paragraphs and using transitions to connect ideas.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Use clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to introduce the main point.

• Utilize transitions between ideas to improve coherence within paragraphs.

Examples:

1. "Firstly, one significant benefit of part-time jobs for teenagers is the development of time management skills."
2. "Furthermore, working in customer-facing roles can greatly enhance teens' communication abilities."

5. Grammar

The topic of whether teenager should be encouraged by their parents to participate in part timepart-time(Hyphenated words: part time) employmeentsemployments(misspelling) has generated much discussion in recent days. My personal belief is coherent with Claire 'sClaire's(space after apostrophe in contraction (e.g. I' m)) point of view that part-time jobs are great opportunities for teenagers to practivepractice(misspelling) time management abilitesabilities(misspelling). In addition to that, parta part(This rule identifies whether the article 'a' is missing in a sentence.)-time job can also enhance teens communicaitoncommunication(misspelling) skills. For instance, part-time as a cashiercashier,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) get in touch with customer frequently and intensively. Hence, efficient and clear communication abilities can developeddevelop(Non-infinitive verb after modal verbs) from these work experiences which would benefit teenagers in other area such as group project at school. I understand Claire's concern over the focus of student should be academic, but I believe he misses another critical pointpoint,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) that part-time jobs are good support for school work as well. Since it practicepractices(Subject-verb agreement error after conjunction) the time management skill, student are able to organize their workload in a more efficient way. With well-established study routine, the probability of outstanding academic performance will increaseincrease,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) along with great satisfaction and even more motivation of study.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

The debate surrounding whether teenagers should be encouraged by their parents to engage in part-time employment has garnered significant attention in recent times. I concur with Claire's perspective that part-time jobs present valuable opportunities for teenagers to hone their time management skills. Furthermore, such employment can also enhance teens' communication abilities. For example, working as a cashier necessitates frequent and intensive interaction with customers, thereby fostering efficient and clear communication skills. These competencies can subsequently be applied to other areas of their lives, such as group projects at school. While I acknowledge the concerns regarding academic focus, I believe it is essential to recognize that part-time jobs can complement schoolwork by fostering effective time management skills. As students learn to organize their workload more efficiently and establish well-structured study routines, the likelihood of achieving outstanding academic performance increases, leading to greater satisfaction and motivation in their studies. (152 words)

The topic of debate surrounding whether teenager teenagers should be encouraged by their parents to participate engage in part time employmeents part-time employment (revised for clarity and conciseness) has generated much discussion garnered significant attention in recent days. My personal belief is coherent times. I concur with Claire 's point of view Claire's perspective that part-time jobs are great present valuable opportunities for teenagers to practive hone their time management abilites. In addition to that, part-time job skills (rephrased for better flow). Furthermore, such employment can also enhance teens communicaiton skills. teens' communication abilities (corrected spelling). For instance, part-time example, working as a cashier get in touch necessitates frequent and intensive interaction with customer frequently and intensively. Hence, customers (rephrased for clarity), thereby fostering efficient and clear communication abilities skills. These competencies can developed from these work experiences which would benefit teenagers in subsequently be applied to other area areas of their lives, such as group project projects at school. school (revised for better flow). While I understand Claire's concern over acknowledge the focus of student should be academic, but concerns regarding academic focus, I believe he misses another critical point it is essential to recognize that part-time jobs are good support for school work as well. Since it practice the can complement schoolwork by fostering effective time management skill, student are able skills (rephrased for clarity). As students learn to organize their workload in a more efficient way. With well-established efficiently and establish well-structured study routine, routines, the probability likelihood of achieving outstanding academic performance will increase along with great increases, leading to greater satisfaction and even more motivation of study.in their studies (revised for better flow and clarity).

8 Mind Map

1. Introduction

   • Debate on part-time jobs for teenagers
   • Agreement with Claire's perspective

2. Time management skills

   • Balancing work and school
   • Organizing workload efficiently

3. Communication abilities

   • Interacting with customers
   • Applying skills to school projects

4. Academic focus concerns

   • Addressing potential distractions

5. Complementing schoolwork

   • Developing effective study routines

6. Increased academic performance

   • Satisfaction and motivation in studies

9 Key Words

6 Revised Essay

The debate surrounding whether teenagers should be encouraged by their parents to engage in part-time employment has garnered significant attention in recent times. I concur with Claire's perspective that part-time jobs present valuable opportunities for teenagers to hone their time management skills. Furthermore, such employment can also enhance teens' communication abilities. For example, working as a cashier necessitates frequent and intensive interaction with customers, thereby fostering efficient and clear communication skills. These competencies can subsequently be applied to other areas of their lives, such as group projects at school. While I acknowledge the concerns regarding academic focus, I believe it is essential to recognize that part-time jobs can complement schoolwork by fostering effective time management skills. As students learn to organize their workload more efficiently and establish well-structured study routines, the likelihood of achieving outstanding academic performance increases, leading to greater satisfaction and motivation in their studies.