TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Should parents urge teenage children to get a job? Why or why not?

1. Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.0 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.5 Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 22 (3.5)

3. Task completeness

The essay does a decent job of addressing the task, presenting arguments in favor of teenagers working part-time jobs. However, it could be improved by providing more specific examples and elaborating on the benefits mentioned, such as independence and leadership skills. Additionally, the essay would benefit from a more balanced discussion by acknowledging potential drawbacks or challenges that teenagers might face when working part-time.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Provide specific examples to support your points.

• Elaborate on the benefits mentioned, such as independence and leadership skills.

• Acknowledge potential drawbacks or challenges that teenagers might face when working part-time.

Examples:

1. "For instance, a teenager working as a cashier at a grocery store may learn how to handle difficult customers with patience and professionalism, which are valuable skills for any future career."
2. "However, it is important to consider that some teenagers may struggle to balance their schoolwork with a part-time job, which could negatively impact their academic performance."

4. Essay structure and organization

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, it could be improved by organizing the body paragraphs more effectively around specific points or benefits of part-time work for teenagers. Additionally, transitions between ideas and paragraphs could be clearer.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Organize body paragraphs around specific points or benefits of part-time work for teenagers.

• Use clear transitions between ideas and paragraphs.

Examples:

1. "One significant advantage of part-time work for teenagers is the opportunity to gain practical experience in various industries."
2. "Moreover, earning their own money can teach teenagers about financial responsibility and budgeting."

5. Grammar

In discussing the way that parents can help their teenage children grow, Andrew proposes that children should not do pat-time jobs because there are many other things that are more important for their development. While his arguementargument(misspelling) holds its validity, I find myself aligingaligning(misspelling) with Kelly’s perspectives that prioritisingprioritizing(misspelling) part-time job seems a more comprehensive and effective way for children’s future development. In my view, this approach not only allows teenagers to accumalateaccumulate(misspelling) working experience, but also make them know the value of money and foster some important skills like indipendenceindependence(misspelling) and leadership. Obviously, it serves as powerfula powerful(This rule identifies whether the article 'a' is missing in a sentence.) incentive for teenage children to study efficiently, and contributes siginificantlysignificantly(misspelling) to a teenage’s long-term development. Therefore, I firmly believe that parents would better allow thiertheir(misspelling) teenage children doto do(This rule identifies whether the preposition 'to' is missing in a sentence.) part-time job.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

In the debate surrounding how parents can best support their teenage children's growth, Andrew argues that part-time jobs may detract from more crucial aspects of their development. While his argument has merit, I find myself aligning with Kelly's perspective that prioritizing part-time work offers a more comprehensive and effective approach to fostering future success. In my view, this strategy not only enables teenagers to accumulate valuable work experience but also instills an appreciation for the value of money and cultivates essential skills such as independence and leadership. Furthermore, it serves as a powerful incentive for efficient study habits and significantly contributes to a teenager's long-term development. Consequently, I firmly believe that parents should encourage their teenage children to pursue part-time employment opportunities. (127 words)

In discussing the way that debate surrounding how parents can help best support their teenage children grow, children's growth (clarified the subject), Andrew proposes argues that children should not do pat-time part-time jobs because there are many other things that are may detract from more important crucial aspects of their development (rephrased for their development. clarity). While his arguement holds its validity, argument has merit (corrected spelling), I find myself aliging aligning with Kelly’s perspectives Kelly's perspective that prioritising prioritizing part-time job seems work offers a more comprehensive and effective way approach to fostering future success (rephrased for children’s future development. clarity and corrected spelling). In my view, this approach strategy not only allows enables teenagers to accumalate working experience, accumulate valuable work experience (corrected spelling) but also make them know instills an appreciation for the value of money and foster some important cultivates essential skills like indipendence such as independence and leadership. Obviously, leadership (rephrased for clarity). Furthermore, it serves as a powerful incentive for teenage children to efficient study efficiently, habits and significantly contributes siginificantly to a teenage’s teenager's long-term development. Therefore, development (clarified meaning). Consequently, I firmly believe that parents would better allow thier should encourage their teenage children do to pursue part-time job.employment opportunities (rephrased for clarity and corrected spelling).

Display title: 8 Mind Map

- Introduction
  - Debate on supporting teenage growth
  - Andrew's argument against part-time jobs
  - Kelly's perspective in favor of part-time work

- Benefits of part-time work
  - Valuable work experience
  - Appreciation for the value of money
  - Cultivation of essential skills
    - Independence
    - Leadership

- Impact on study habits and long-term development
  - Incentive for efficient study habits
  - Contribution to long-term development

- Conclusion
  - Encouragement of part-time employment opportunities for teenagers

Display title: 9 Key Words