TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Instructions Your professor is teaching a class on social studies. Write a post responding to the professor’s question.

1. Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 3.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.0 Language Use and Grammar: 2.5

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 20 (out of 30)

3. Task completeness

The essay does address the professor's question, but it could be improved in several ways. First, the essay should more clearly express the writer's personal opinion on whether social rules for young people are too strict or not. The writer should also provide more specific examples to support their viewpoint and make a stronger contribution to the discussion.

Example 1: Instead of saying "teens don’t know many things they can’t do," provide a specific example of a rule that helps guide teenagers' behavior, such as curfews or age restrictions on certain activities.

Example 2: Expand on the idea that "rules can protect teenagers when they have troubles" by providing an example of how a rule might help a teenager in a difficult situation.

4. Essay structure and organization

The essay's structure could be improved by having a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. Each paragraph should focus on one main point with supporting details. Additionally, transitions between ideas and paragraphs should be clearer.

Example 1: Begin the essay with an introduction that states your opinion on whether social rules for young people are too strict or not, followed by body paragraphs that elaborate on your reasons for this opinion.

Example 2: Improve transitions between ideas by using phrases like "On one hand," "On the other hand," or "Furthermore" to guide readers through your argument.

5. Grammar

I would subscribe to Taehyun O's idea that strict rules help teens to keep safe and have a good body.In In(Missing space between sentences) addition, teens don’t know many things they can’t do and, and(comma between independent clauses) they don’t have a comprehensive cognition so, so(comma between independent clauses) they have some rules to limit their behaviors. For instance, a boy who lose parents, he dodoes(Agreement error: Non-third person/past tense verb with 'he/she/it' or a pronoun)n’t have any people to teach him very often, ifif you(if (we/they/you) need something) don’t have strict rules to limit him, he may become a bad man. In contrast, rules can protect teenagers when they have troubles and help teens to grow up happinessin happiness(This rule identifies whether the preposition 'in' is missing in a sentence.). Therefore, strict rules not restrict to them but protect them.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

I concur with the notion that implementing strict rules is beneficial for teenagers, as it ensures their safety and well-being. Adolescents often lack the experience and comprehensive understanding necessary to make informed decisions, which is why establishing boundaries through rules can be crucial. For example, an orphaned child without proper guidance may be at risk of engaging in harmful activities; however, strict rules can serve as a protective measure, preventing them from straying down a dangerous path. Contrary to the belief that such rules are restrictive, they actually provide a supportive framework that fosters healthy growth and development for young individuals. (106 words)

Revised essay: Display title: 7 Essay Grading

I would subscribe to Taehyun concur (changed "subscribe" to "concur" for a more natural tone) with the notion that implementing strict rules is beneficial for teenagers (rephrased "Taehyun O's idea that strict rules help teens to keep safe and have a good body.In addition, teens body" for clarity), as it ensures their safety and well-being. Adolescents often lack the experience and comprehensive understanding (rephrased "teens don’t know many things they can’t do and they don’t have a comprehensive cognition so they have some rules to limit their behaviors. cognition" for better flow) necessary to make informed decisions, which is why establishing boundaries through rules can be crucial. For instance, a example, an orphaned child without proper guidance (rephrased "a boy who lose parents, he don’t have any people to teach him very often, if often" for clarity) may be at risk of engaging in harmful activities; however, strict rules can serve as a protective measure (changed "if don’t have strict rules to limit him, he may become a bad man. In contrast, rules man" to emphasize the positive aspect of strict rules), preventing them from straying down a dangerous path. Contrary to the belief that such rules are restrictive, they actually provide a supportive framework (rephrased "rules can protect teenagers when they have troubles and help teens to grow up happiness. happiness" for better flow) that fosters healthy growth and development for young individuals. Therefore, strict rules not restrict to them but protect them.them (added this sentence to conclude the paragraph).

8 Mind Map

1. Implementing strict rules

   • Safety
   • Well-being

2. Adolescents

   • Lack of experience
   • Comprehensive understanding

3. Establishing boundaries

   • Crucial for development

4. Orphaned child example

   • Risk of harmful activities

5. Protective measure

   • Prevent dangerous paths

6. Contrary belief

   • Rules as restrictive

7. Supportive framework

   • Fosters growth and development

9 Key Words

6 Revised Essay

I concur with the notion that implementing strict rules is beneficial for teenagers, as it ensures their safety and well-being. Adolescents often lack the experience and comprehensive understanding necessary to make informed decisions, which is why establishing boundaries through rules can be crucial. For example, an orphaned child without proper guidance may be at risk of engaging in harmful activities; however, strict rules can serve as a protective measure, preventing them from straying down a dangerous path. Contrary to the belief that such rules are restrictive, they actually provide a supportive framework that fosters healthy growth and development for young individuals.