TOEFL TPO -1 Writing Task 1 Sample: whether a country's fast online network is more important or a country's military force more important?

1.Sub Scores

Task fulfillment: 3 Organization: 4 Coherence and Cohesion: 4 Language Use: 4

2.Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 22 (3.5)

3.Task completeness

The essay addresses the question of whether a country's fast online network or military force is more important. However, it only focuses on the importance of a strong military force without discussing the significance of a fast online network. To improve task fulfillment, you should provide arguments for both sides and then state your opinion on which one is more important.

Example 1:

• You could mention how a fast online network contributes to economic growth, education, and communication, making it essential for a country's development.

Example 2:

• After discussing both sides, you could conclude by stating your stance on which aspect is more crucial for a country and why.

4.Essay structure and organization

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The organization is logical, with each paragraph focusing on specific points related to the importance of military force. However, since the task requires discussing both aspects (fast online network and military force), you should include additional paragraphs to address the other side of the argument.

Example 1:

• Add a paragraph after the introduction discussing the importance of a fast online network in terms of economic growth, education opportunities, and global communication.

Example 2:

• Include clear transitions between paragraphs when switching from discussing one aspect to another (e.g., "On the other hand," "However," "In contrast"). This will help maintain coherence and cohesion throughout your essay.

5. Grammar

Although it is true that fast online network strengthens a country’s economic development, I hold theto(Detects potentially wrong usage of "the") believebelief(believe (belief)) that a strong military force is much more essential and serves as the basis for citizens’ safety.

To begin with, a strong national defense prevents a country from being easily attacked. As the amount of news about increasing wars and crisis surged in recent years, such as the tension between Russia and Ukraine, I gradually realized the pivotal role of the national defense, since it is not only a protection for citizens, but also bargaining power of one country for treaties and a deterrent from further attack. Thus, a peaceful environment is primarily established upon a strong national army, especially countriesin countries(This rule identifies whether the preposition 'in' is missing in a sentence.) in turbulent areas.

Additionally, a strong military force can also be beneficial within countries. If police in a nation were trained strong and equipped with guns, would-be criminals may think twice when they have the intention to break laws. Moreover, it provides citizens faith and belief of a safe environment to live in, which encourage the economic activities, such as more consumptions atconsumption sat(misspelling) shopping centers and restaurants.

In conclusion, I believe that a strong military force can not only protect a nation from other countries’ attack, but also serve as a deterrent towards potential malefactors within the countries.

Section Title: 6. Revised Essay

Revised Essay:

While it is undeniable that a fast online network bolsters a country's economic growth, I firmly believe that a robust military force is of greater importance as it serves as the foundation for citizens' safety and security.

Firstly, a powerful national defense system safeguards a country from potential attacks. The recent surge in news regarding conflicts and crises, such as the tensions between Russia and Ukraine, has highlighted the crucial role of national defense. It not only protects citizens but also serves as bargaining power for treaties and deters further aggression. Therefore, a peaceful environment primarily relies on a strong national army, particularly for countries in volatile regions.

Furthermore, an effective military force can provide benefits within the country itself. When law enforcement officers are well-trained and equipped with advanced weaponry, potential criminals may reconsider their intentions to break the law. This enhanced security instills confidence in citizens and fosters a safe environment in which they can live and work. Consequently, this encourages economic activities such as increased consumer spending at shopping centers and restaurants.

In essence, I contend that a formidable military force not only shields a nation from external threats but also serves as an effective deterrent against potential wrongdoers within its borders. (212 words)

Although While it is true undeniable that a fast online network strengthens a country’s bolsters a country's economic development, growth (revised for clarity and emphasis), I hold the firmly believe (revised for stronger expression) that a strong robust military force is much more essential and of greater importance as it serves as the basis for citizens’ safety. foundation for citizens' safety and security (revised for clarity and conciseness).

To begin with, a strong Firstly, a powerful national defense prevents system safeguards a country from being easily attacked. As the amount of potential attacks (revised for clearer expression). The recent surge in news about increasing wars and crisis surged in recent years, regarding conflicts and crises, such as the tension tensions between Russia and Ukraine, I gradually realized the pivotal has highlighted the crucial role of the national defense, since it is defense (revised for smoother flow). It not only a protection for citizens, protects citizens but also serves as bargaining power of one country for treaties and a deterrent from deters further attack. Thus, aggression (revised for conciseness). Therefore, a peaceful environment is primarily established upon relies on a strong national army, especially particularly for countries in turbulent areas. volatile regions (revised to improve flow).

Additionally, a strong Furthermore, an effective military force can also be beneficial provide benefits within countries. If police in a nation were trained strong the country itself (revised to improve clarity). When law enforcement officers are well-trained and equipped with guns, would-be advanced weaponry, potential criminals may think twice when they have the intention reconsider their intentions to break laws. Moreover, it provides the law (revised to enhance clarity). This enhanced security instills confidence in citizens faith and belief of and fosters a safe environment to in which they can live in, which encourage the and work (revised to improve flow). Consequently, this encourages economic activities, activities such as more consumptions increased consumer spending at shopping centers and restaurants. restaurants (revised to enhance clarity).

In conclusion, essence, I believe contend that a strong formidable military force can not only protect shields a nation from other countries’ attack, external threats but also serve as a serves as an effective deterrent towards against potential malefactors wrongdoers within the countries.its borders (revised to improve clarity and conciseness).

8. Display title: 8. Mind Map

Mind Map:

- Introduction
  - Fast online network and economic growth
  - Importance of robust military force

- Body
  - National defense system
    - Protection from potential attacks
    - Bargaining power for treaties
    - Deterrence against aggression
  - Benefits within the country
    - Well-trained law enforcement officers
    - Advanced weaponry for crime prevention
    - Enhanced security and confidence in citizens

- Conclusion
  - Formidable military force shields nation from external threats and deters potential wrongdoers within borders.

9. Display title: 9. Key Words